Goals for 2009 and stuff.

I like to keep my 'new years resolutions' simple. If anyone complicates them too much, they are more likely to not accomplish them.

I try to make mine to broad ideas, because if one thing is true, then the rest fall into place.

That's the theory anyway.

Here I sit in Korea, feeling the constant inner struggle that goes along with my current situation. I have so many options and paths that I could take with my life right now that I just cannot choose the one that is right for me.

I do not want to be too hasty in my decision because it could lead to something I did not anticipate and therefore did not want to occur.

I know that life comes with its share of surprises, and ups and downs, but I like to envision my life if I chose that path. Sometimes it doesn't go the way I envision, sometimes it does... it just gives me some level of comfort in the unknown to pretend I know what's going to happen to me.

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My goals for 2009 include a theme of "bliss and inner peace". If that sounds too flowery and hippie for you, who cares. There's nothing wrong with being a little hippie at times. I spend my life in a weird balance of rocker chick and hippie girl, with a little of both mixed in to make what?? Rocker Hippie? Who knows. My style is my own. I've been told I'm many things mixed into one person. I like to be my own person. I think I turned out well (thanks mom and dad)

I want my 2009 to include choices that end in the ultimate happiness of my soul. Sometimes people have to go through pain to find that end. But I have spent the last 3 years of my life living for me and I have come a long way.

I have gotten to do things in the last few years that many people only dream of doing. Some really amazing things. I still can't believe some of them happened to me. Why me? I never have considered myself to be special. (I've been told recently I need to stop being so self-hating.... so I'm going to try).

In 2009:

-Love myself more
-Find what makes me happy, whatever that may be
-Try to find the place where I belong
-Stop running from things that seem too scary because that ultimately ends in things that are MORE scary
-Embrace those that claim to care for me, because they probably do
-Let myself be loved again

I don't want to live in the same place for my whole life, but I wouldn't mind spending a year or 2 in the same place where I am so happy.

And I think this place is back home in AZ.

I was running away from the idea of living in the same place I grew up for so long... but I think I was just running away from the idea that I COULD be happy there for at least a short time. I spent years struggling with myself and my self-identity. I was afraid that those around me wouldn't be able to accept who I was. I wasn't so different from anyone else, yet I felt like I was an outcast somehow.

I have realized in the past year or so that my parents aren't the enemy. I always knew they weren't, but in the back of my mind I was worried they wouldn't love me like the rest of the world if they knew the real me. I grew up into this girl that lived her life in synchronization with the music that moves her. I love tattoos and think that they are one of the most artistic and beautiful ways of expressing yourself. Art is a huge part of my life despite the fact that I am not myself artistic. I think that if someone has a tattoo that covers their arm that has significant meaning in their life, thats more beautiful than writing a poem. They can never erase the feelings they felt during that time because they are permanently embedded in their skin. Tattoos may scare some people, but if you truly consider them, they are really quite amazing.

I could write a whole blog on my thoughts on tattoos.

What I'm trying to get at is... I love them and I still fear that my parents will never see past them, but that doesn't stop how much I have grown to love and appreciate everything they have done for me. I can't imagine that it is easy for parents to have a daughter that is so different from themselves. They have trouble understanding me, and I know this. But I'm still their dorky daughter that used to think she was a horse. :)

I want to go back to AZ and see if I can be happy there near the only people that I've ever loved and the only people that truly love me.... I miss home.